Writings From My Mother's Notebook

My father died about two months ago and since then several of my co-workers have died untimely deaths.

Many things have been roaming around in my the past few months and one of them is this passage that my father printed out for me a few years ago that he had found in my mother's notebook. It was dated 5/8/97, about 7 months before my mother passed away.

I still miss my mother and I definitely miss my father very much now. And I miss all of those friends and relatives who have gone before me. I am still very much in the midst of that but this does help at least a tiny bit and I think that it will help more as time goes on and the good times return.

"I used to think that you could never become/grow to be good at handling death. Each death gets harder to bear, not easier, and the pain and grief begins to extend to partings as well. But it now seems to me that that's precisely what being good at handling death is.

When my father died I was eleven, no one close to me had died. I cried and I knew that my life was changed forever. I had no knowledge of forever, or the rest of my life. Now, when someone I love dies, I feel the whole layer cake of grief, the heavy strata of emotions, and I know how long I will feel that loss. I also know that I don't need to be afraid that I will forget them, even though I may think of them less often. What this does is to --?--What does it do, huh? The pain is more exquisite now but I feel freer to grieve- less guilty about enjoying my life in between times of grief. "